a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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