I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
