my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
