roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
