There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
