you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
