woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
