My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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