The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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