apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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