im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
