I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
