do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
