I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
