I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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