Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
