i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
