he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
