We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
