i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
