woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
