I hate all girls vehemently.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
