i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
