Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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