They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
