rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
