How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Fuck appropriateness.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
