I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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