Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
