i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
