so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
