sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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