i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
