A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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