I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
