dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
