dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
