your room smells of hookers.
And success
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
