Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
