Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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