I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
