So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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