Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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