i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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