If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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