I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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