wanna go halves on a baby?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
