Dignity is for republicans.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
