In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
