I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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